xxx, I think you noticed yourself, that when you have too many questions, and you try to find answers, then time goes very slowly. I have noticed it. Last night was one of such nights. When I tried to find the answer to questions, and it seemed to me that there has passed the whole eternity. I thought much, could not fall asleep, and I tried to understand.... To understand first of all myself! At first I tried to fall asleep, but understood that I can’t do it, I have decided to spend night with advantage. I made a tea, sit near the window, looked at the sky and thought. At first I thought about you, about why I can’t stop thinking about you? And why do I represent that you are nearby? It is really strange. I think so.
Simply you are such good, kind, able for understanding. And there is such feeling, that you are just not real! It seems to me, that such men do not exist in this world, and you are some kind of ideal. And it frightens me. Frightens, that if I learn you more better, then maybe I learn something bad about you. There are no ideal people in this world, and in everyone there are strangeness’s. And what strangeness are in you?
And then I have simply stood.....
How long ago you lifted eyes in the sky at night? How long ago you admired this beauty, infinity? I looked and thought, that maybe on other part of a planet, now there is you, and you look in heavens, and think of me (smile). Forgive me, if it is absurdity. I understand that I impose on you superfluous problems, which maybe should not worry you. We are a little time knows each other, we in general each other almost nobody! And we did not see each other ever in real. And probably at all we will not ever meet. For what to create these complexities? Why to live by illusions and dream? I am assured, that you yourself are not ready for it!? You are not ready to change the life because I understand, that all suits you! And I am just a friend, far in other country I (smile).
But also I’m still very interesting in what I will get from this correspondence, what for I reflected on all it, what conclusions have made, and that I would want!?
I will begin with that I want only one thing. Happiness!!! I never had serious happiness, real happiness about which they write in books, and show at cinema. Happiness it’s to understand, that in this world I do not just exist, but I live, I breathe, and I rejoice this life.
And the main thing.... The main thing I don’t know the exact answer. (Smile) And now I will simply ask you, and I will answer myself as it was in the letter with questions.
1) If I am ready to try to be with you more than just good friends? Fairly, I do not know, but the most part of me says, that it is necessary to take a risk, it is necessary to make it! I live once in this world, both of us live once, and what will be if we simply try to be together? And I would like to live the life near to that one, who loves me, appreciates, and I would give it in replacements all myself, the feelings, and my life. And it is not important that we have a difference, the countries, languages, and age. I never think that it can hinder.
I thought, that my conclusions are hasty, and that it is necessary to us more time. To learn each other, and to communicate! But time is very unsure thing. Each minute can be the last one. And this last minute I wish to spend with the beloved nearby. Last minutes to be happy. Nobody know when these minutes will be, and many people consider, that their time has not come yet, but many people are mistaken. And here is the instant, only one instant, and everything, is not present either that, or the past, the present, and not the future. And of what such people think, which all time were afraid to live? Were afraid, to make our self happy?
What will we lose? What will we receive? What will we make the bad? We will receive the moments in which we can be happy, and probably and till the rest of the life to be such! What will not lose we, but only we will receive. Also we will only badly make that who ever dreamt to see us in tears, but will see together, will see our happiness, and to understand, that its intention has not turned out. Here all simple in words but so it is difficult to understand all it, and to solve.... To solve for you and me.
And I understand what to waste time, it means to lose possibility to live, be happy, to be love. And now I do not wish to repeat this mistake. Now I appreciate every second. And if I’m happy, I will be ready to accept the leaving in other world, knowing, that every second I have lived and enjoyed this time. Enjoying a life which I have lived a side sideways with the person which has given me this happy time.
I can learn you long day after day, week after a week, and every day to me will be a little. And I hope, as you, for you always not enough just my dialogue. And because of it we can miss this moment, the moment in which we can be happy. About which we spoke. The moment which will change our lives in good sense! To read each other as book, to look each other in the face, to speak with each other, and to enjoy it.
I know what you are as the person, what you kind of man you are, and it for me is enough to have warm feelings to you. Yes, we are familiar not much, but what if we studied each other for years? What will be a result? That for us will give long writing letters? Only dreams, thoughts, and desire which we already hardly will embody in a reality. Because we will love words, which we write in letters, and dreams which we build in them. And the reality will disappear.
We are not young, as it was earlier. And if at us were superfluous year (Smile), likely we could spend safely them in emptiness. But I wish to spend my time on more, to spend it for the moments for the sake of which it is necessary to live, build to dream. And the nobility even, that let not so good as you dreamt, but this life on much better former, former loneliness! Fear and a pain. The grey world, and eternal monotony.
We are not children to hide feelings, and hope, that you can understand them on my hints. That you also could understand and I could understand yours. To speak openly, to write, here for what is necessary. Letters which can change now everything, our world, our lives. It is necessary to solve for ourselves, whether we are ready to make it? To change all! Now! No, not right now (smile) but to try to make it soon. And I do not wish to waste this precious time. After all in the world there is not present something more expensive than time. Especially time which we have already lost and which we can not return. Because it is possible to have everything, but not a time.
And I have understood, that your letters it is enough to me to have some image of you, what you are. Who you are! And I have understood, that you have one problem as well as at me (both of us know it), we do not wish to be alone. The loneliness, it is very sick, cold, and is so sad. And why for us not to try in a role of people, who are together? Who are more than friends! To dream and try to embody all dreams in a reality. Probably to try to create a family!? To have children?! To meet! And to touch each other!
I ask you, you think. My words, it my words. Your decision and ideas have for me the big role. Also that you will tell, to what you will be ready for, you should understand! And it is good to consider. I understand, you may have a question, why you? Why not someone another?
My answer - and why not you? Why do you think, what you cannot be with me? Or to try to be together?
Sometimes people look only at appearance, but I look at soul. And many moments, I simply do not wish to see it, because it will not change the person, his soul, its character. And if the person good he also will be such, it is not important what is the time and years will pass.
I want, that you knew one thing. I am ready to open my heart for you. To open my soul, and to trust in you. Whether are you ready to it?
I know "weight" of my words, they are not simply wind. And if I now wish to be with you, it not will change tomorrow, or in a week. Certainly, if you wouldn’t not make all for this purpose that I would begin to hate you! And for this purpose after all it is necessary much. Treachery. Change. Insults. I will not suffer it ever!
If I give the heart to you then I will give you the life. And I will trust completely to you. To your words, your promises. Also I will trust all that you will speak to me.
And in replacements, you will receive my love, my heat, fidelity, and main - my trust.
I ask you, do you think, whether you are ready? It is ready to go up to the end? To change the world, the life, the future? And the main thing. Whether you are ready to accept my heart?! And to spend time together with me?!
Now I will wait with trembling your letter.
I wish to write I "love" you, but I do not want... I do not wish to speak it now, whether not knowing these feelings are mutual?! Sincere? Or it only my imaginations, a fairy tale in which I now live? I do not know.
I know only one, that if you are sincere to me, also I sincerely to you.
Whole, yours Zemfira.